For some reason I feel like I have been avoiding writing over the last week or so, mostly because I feel like I want to give more. I have plenty of beautiful photographs but am feeling without words to accompany them sometimes, like I am letting my reader down, like I should be sharing something more. Alot of the time I do try to capture what it is I am feeling or loving in the actual photograph but I know for myself that when I read other blogs I love to get a little insight into what was happening around them or where the photographer is emotionally. Over the last week I have been working at getting my Christmas card collection together & in doing so, have been looking back over Christmases past. I can't wait to share it with you soon. However, in looking back over the years, It got me thinking alot about where I was myself over those years, with friendships, loves, family, the way I was feeling & it made me also look at where I am now. In looking back, I pulled out some of my old poetry & found a couple of things that I am so glad to have kept because what I was writing about in those poems is where I feel I am now. For many years I suffered from depression, on & off, there was always this sadness inside me that would just not go away! & although I don't rule out being depressed again in my lifetime, at 35, I finally feel different, like that sadness is gone, that I am free of it & that if I was to be down again it would be for a particular reason, not just for the sadness that always existed inside me previously. I want to live a fulfilled life & try to be a good role model for my daughter & believe that in following my passions & doing the things I love to do, I am able to share my passion for life with others & that is fulfilling!!
Sad Song
(i wrote this poem in my mid 20's, when depression had taken hold again)
Sad song inside my soul
please won't you go away
I think that you have gone
yet you come back to haunt
my thoughts today
You cover me with your darkness
and I find myself so blind
I can not seem to find a way
to lead me out to shine, brilliant,
like the sun i saw today
setting low in the sky
covered with a smoky haze
yet powerful enough to glow
and so, beautifully so
I know I have it in me
so why can't I find the door
maybe I am too impatient
yet you have been here
for years too long
why won't you go away
and let me live in peace
Where do you get your strength
you twist my brain like spaghetti
until I'm in
a teary tangled mess
Sad song inside my soul
one day you'll be gone
I'll slam the door behind you
I'll throw away the key
I'll run & run & run so fast
into my soul that's free
 |
| brilliantly hazy sunset, captured recently |
Even just looking over what I have written & what I am sharing amazes me because back in those days & still now to some degree I am a very private person & am unable to talk freely about myself but I do know that I want to share because when others have shared a part of themselves with me I have actually been freed a little. I guess I have come to realise that at 35 even though I am not a great talker, I do have something to share about life with other people & if that is by photographing it & writing about it, I only hope I can only do the same for someone else. Of course I still have my fears, like who the hell do I think I am?, why would anyone want to listen to what I have to say? why would anyone be interested in what I like to do? & I have a fear of being judged & criticised by others but to hell with those fears & those kind of people, after all life in itself, is to be shared. If we keep it to ourselves what kind of living are we actually doing.
Passion
(i wrote this in my late 20's, when i was feeling empty)
Passion is a sacred energy
an enormous energy
that comes from within
within the walls of our soul
it beams brighter than the sun
it is alive
it captures our hearts
and makes loved ones see
the beauty that surrounds us
when passion is gone
the heart & soul
are both cold & alone
 |
| at 35 i'm following my passions & feeling free |
I'd love to hear about how you feel about sharing & what your passions are? for some its scary, I know, but go ahead & just be you. p.s excuse the poor writing i was never any good at english!
